relationships outside/inside burning man

yes, yes I agree!

Jealousy to me is a matter of respect...when someone is invading my 'territory' or crossing boundaries that are clearly established within my relationship. It IS disrespectful when your 'friends' are touching your man (or woman) ESPECIALLY knowing you are not looking! And if his reaction is one of acceptance of that attention, then, hell YES!, I'd be jealous! And I'd be having a serious discussion about boundaries with him...AND with the women!

jeez. some of my friends have some mighty fine men....it's a 'do unto others' situation, even when I'm solo. I consciously avoid touching them in any way that could possibly be misconstrued.

Munky,

some thoughts on what you've said since I've also had to deal with the issue :)


> "If he expects me to relax and not worry, he needs to put a stop to some of the more aggressive stuff."

I think that's a totally reasonable, healthy expectation. :) Part of trust in our partners is knowing they're going to address the behavior "here and now" when someone crosses the line. Part of respect for our partners is knowing when to do that. It's not as if there are only 2 settings: not touching at all or cheating on someone. When someone comes up and gropes your partner, for example, that's still entirely inappropriate even though your partner didn't cheat. Meaning, I don't think you have to be afraid of your partner cheating to be rightfully concerned when someone else is being disrespectful or intentionally seeing how far they can go.

And if our partners don't put a stop to it, it can then lead us to wonder why -- were they hoping you wouldn't catch them? would they prefer to be with the other person? -- who needs those kinds of doubts and questions in a relationship, you know? ;) Just nip it in the bud and be done with it.


> "but that went too far. To me it feels threatening. "

yeah, of course it feels threatening. :) because that's EXACTLY what these women are doing: trying to threaten the security of your relationship by showing you how much they can shit where you eat. I don't think you're feeling lame or possessive there. I think you have the right to set boundaries and expect respect.

My partner and I are both affectionate with people and we're in a touchy-feely group. I find it can be a challenge and cause stress sometimes. Particularly when we're among the few straight mono couples in a culture of bi-poly couples. People can just assume that everyone they come into contact with is not only interested but also in an open relationship. That can cause people to overstep intimacies too easily, even when they don't mean to be inappropriate.

Honestly, while I enjoy the freedom that burner events bring I sometimes just find the continual sexual energy to be just too much --- too much coming at me all the time, too much around me all the time, too many non-sexual things put in a sexual context. There have been times when I felt like I was having to constantly deflect someone else's sexual energy or advances (those subtle ones where people talk too close, make too much innuendo, touch you too much). Then I couldn't relax because I was too concerned that my bf might feel badly about it, or too tired from having to be alert enough to catch things before someone takes it too far.

But I notice most people are very respectful of the fact that my bf and I are mono. For example, I notice that when female friends are topless they do a sideways hip-hug with my bf, rather than a full-contact rubbing-their-breasts-on-him hug (particularly when he's shirtless). That's just a nice courtesy to say "hey I'm hugging out of friendship, nothing more". And there are also friends that are in the safe zone for joking around. Where an ass grab or face lick is meant to be funny and it's understood as such, so there's no problem or question of ulterior motives.


> "Usually it's HIM that has told me, sheesh so and so would not stop"

While I understand that can be awkward for him to address it, particularly with "friends", it sounds like he needs to take more responsibility and ownership of those situations and clearly state to the person to stop. And not the polite avoidance, hoping they'll stop. a clear "stop". By avoiding the situation he risks putting it all on you, making you look aggro or possessive because you're then the disciplinarian. Even if he's just feeling shy or uncomfortable, that's not really fair to you.


> "My point was clear. I felt like I was pissing on my territory"

I always joke that I'm going to have to pee a circle around my guy to keep the babes off him. ;) heee. Mostly he just gets really weirded out when women come on to him -- "some girl kept talking to me, I didn't know what she wanted. she really creeped me out" -- so I find it funny and tease him about it -- "she liiiiiiiiiikes you. she wants to daaaaaaaaate you" (said in that kid singsong voice).

The majority of the time I find a simple mention of "my bf" or "my gf" slipped into conversation can be the easiest, most non-confrontational way to let a stranger know your situation. Also, using "we" instead of "I" will often do it. Like when I find someone is getting too touchy or making that "I'm trying to hit on your face" I try to say something like "yeah WE have one of those at home" or "I haven't seen it but my BF tells me it's great". Then there are times when someone doesn't get the hint (usually because they're intoxicated on something) and I've had to actually move their hand or say "sorry, but only my bf is allowed to do that".

But there are some times I'll do the "marking my territory" thing, usually when dealing with the vulture women mentioned eariler. ;) I'll walk into a situation, see the vibe (sometimes we can read the intentions of other women before men can) and make a point of putting my arm around bf or kissing him and saying "who are your new friends?" That also gives him the easy opportunity to introduce me as the girlfriend without looking forced. My point in doing that is not to put a leash on him, but to make it clear to others that I'm not a doormat. There are some people who really are looking to do some damage and don't care about the boundaries of the relationship or your feelings. With those people I think you have to do the alpha dog thing and show them they can't fuck with you. Women can be catty and petty and guys don't always pick up on the dynamic that's happening.