ACK, this guy obviously didn't see past his own shallow needs. I know anyone can do better than that! I'm sure things have been said in anger, or jealousy, but hang in there, there are better fish to fry :)

I'm so sorry this is happening for you & your son.. it's good that you have people in your everyday life to support you.

Keep doing things that remind you both that you are loved and special. Sending good thoughts your way.

I was going to recommend this book as well. It's excellent, and helped me tremendously when I was going thru some pretty heavy stuff.

Something else that helps is positive affirmations. Your brain believes what it hears, and the more it hears positive stuff about you, the more it believes it, even if you're the one saying the positive stuff. Write out 5 or 6 positive statements on index cards, things like "I am beautiful and strong." or "I can manage whatever is thrown at me with grace and love." Don't put them in the negative, like "I won't get upset when..." since that defeats the purpose in the old noggin. Then throughout the day, everytime you think of it, take them out and read them out loud to yourself. They seem stupid and clumsy and banal at first, but the more you say them, the better you feel. It really works. I can only imagine the flood of emotions and confused thoughts that you're trying to sort through right now, so the more you can give yourself love and positive reinforcement, the faster you'll come through to the other side of this painful time.

You are a beautiful person who deserves love and respect. Your husband's stuff is his stuff, and the hurtful things he says to you and does to you are his stuff, not yours. You can choose not to give them any credence, any weight. It's hard, but use all your resources to surround yourself with the love you deserve and it will help.

Hugs to you.

Blysse

I think people say cruel shit to each other when they break up because they don't have the capacity or ability to do the work involved in a "good" breakup. Sometimes it is fear too. Fear that they will have to deal with your pain and anger. If they are mean first perhaps it can build a wall around them which shields them from your pain and anger.

My ex said some horrible things to me when we broke up. Bad social skills, bad cook, bad dresser, terrible parent, depressed, failure at my career, ugly, etc. It was actually good that it was so over the top because I was like, wait a minute, no one can be all that bad! It helped me to see that I didn't have to credit his analysis of me. I strongly suggest you do the same. It might not be possible today, but work toward building your own idea of who you are and who you want to be.

In the end I decided that alot of what my ex was saying was actually his subconscious attempt to project his own insecurities on to me.

Take care of yourself and your little one and lots of hugs your way. If you can, try to stay away from your ex for awhile. If possible, can you arrange that you not have to see him when he visits your son?

Ah Niki,I am so sorry you have to go through this. There is some excellent advice in here and staying close to your friends and family is one of the best things you can do for yourself right now.

I just wanted to add my support to you and your son, and to say please keep us updated on how you are doing.

hugs... been there.

some of these may sound odd but it worked for me when my husband of 10 years left me and three young boys several years back.

1) buy new sheets... you may not have much disposable income but something about new bedding helps make the bedroom a safe place again.

2) set up a routien, daily for you and your son. It helps on the days you feel to depressed or drained just follow the writen steps to the routien it will get you through

3) see friends often and make a point to laugh, rent comedys

4) consider a therapist to have a person you can talk to to give your friends and family a break... you will need to talk alot, but it can be hard on those you love so it can be a really good thing.

5) listen to music and cleanse him out of your house.... I favored a good salt scrub when needed.

6) remember that this will pass, it wil get easier and you can doit one day at a time.

I know I'm one of the hundreds of women on this tribe that often read and digest, but rarely post. Thank you all for being so incredible. It's sharing these experiences that help us all to grow and learn.

My dear,
All of the posts contain the wisdom of experience...please continue to reach out and tell us what we can do to help, even if it's just to talk. I'm pm'ing my number...call me day or night. I'm in the midst of some strange times as well. A good friend who had the same thing happen told me that it was all meant to be....everything has a price...her price of 3 bad years was an incredible daughter, and opportunities that she never would have found if it hadn't been for her husband leaving her. It will get better.

Stay positive and if it helps, visualize those Verizon commercials...picture yourself surrounded by amazing, strong, powerful women right behind you...your network so to speak.
Keep the faith,
crunchy

"Like any man will want you now..."

He said that?? That's really shitty. I'm seeing a pattern here in the way some men deal with breakups. The pathetic attempts to inflict pain upon trauma is disturbing but ultimately, I think it shows incredible immaturity. I haven't always broken up with people in the best possible way, I freely admit, but I've never purposely tried to grind my ex's self esteem into the dirt.

The only good thing about those crappy destructive generalizations is that for most women it's like waving a red flag. At some point many of us get feisty and respond "Oh really? You think I suck? Well, I'll show you, the world and myself that I do not suck!!"

I just realized some of what I wrote earlier sounded really trite and I don't mean to be making light of your situation. What I meant by the dancing is some kind of cathartic physical release for the anger and other emotions that had no where to go. Not like, oh, hey just go dancing with the gals and it'll be fine. ;)

There are some things we can't change, fix, or influence which can leave us feeling helpless or in despair. And sometimes we can't realistically hope for closure or healing from our ex, particularly someone who has inflicted emotional abuse, trauma, or malicious pettiness. Those emotions get pent up and churn inside us, making it harder to let go or heal. I found that when you can't talk through it (therapy or friends) you sometimes just need that physical release, a kind of exorcism in order to work past them.

If you have access to a kickboxing or boxing class, or even just a bag, I highly recommend it. There are few things that safely exorcise anger, particularly impotent anger, than beating the total shit out of something. ;) When I went through a very challenging breakup of a 10yr relationship I'd kickbox during the day and go dancing at night. I did that for a few weeks. I remember one time I had just had a particularly stupid and petty encounter with my ex after the breakup... I just marched into kickboxing class during warm up, didn't say anything to anyone, went straight to the bag, beat the fuck out of it for a few minutes, then finally stepped back, took a breath, and said hello to people and stretched with the rest.

When I went out dancing, I went by myself, in comfortable clothes. I just took a spot on the floor, shut out everything but the music and let go for a few hours. If someone tried to chat me up I just said "thanks, but I really just want some time to myself now". I swear those are the only things that kept me sane during that time. The kickboxing got out the aggression, the dancing gave me something positive to feel.

As far as indulgent Me time, I meant that as time where you just take care of yourself. You indulge in all those things you couldn't do when with your ex, for whatever reason. Or things you always wanted to do. Sometimes it's simple things: "I'm going to sit and read this book for as long as I'd like right now, without having to worry about what my husband wants to do", or "I'm finally going to eat at that restaurant he always hated because I really like it". Ways of getting back to your central self or doing little things that can give you a positive feeling.

You asked about some coping mechanisms, so that might help, in a day-to-day patch sort of way. :) I realize you have to find options that don't compromise your time and responsibilities to your son, but maybe that can give you some ideas.

It's been a week or so longer, and the advice from you wonderful women is frequently circling in my head when I'm having a low point. Once I can get a printer, I'm going to print this thread so I can have it and read it any time I need to.

I bought new sheets today. REALLY luxurious 500 thread count embroidered ones, that I truly cannot wait to sleep on tonight. And then I washed them and used a fabric softener that I love, and he hated. And then I went and got brand new shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, again, all in scents I love, and know he hates.

Conveniently I work in a book store, so I was able to pick up "When Things Fall Apart" quite easily. I haven't had too much time to delve into it, but it's comforting to know that it's there, whenever I need it.

I'm muddling through. I can process the sad feelings pretty easily at this point, but I still haven't figured out what to do with my rage. In time, I'm sure I can find a way to join a gym with a kickboxing or other wonderful class, but it's not something feasible for me at the moment. It's literally taking all my willpower and self control to not take a swing at him every time I see him. But, that would not be what is best for my son, so I keep it to myself. Just need to find somewhere to put it. I don't want to end up bitter and consumed by anger.